What Leading Thousands Taught Me About Leading One: Myself

Introduction to a Six-Part Series on Self-Leadership. The lessons that transformed my understanding of what it means to lead and how you can apply them to your leadership journey.

"To lead others, you must first lead yourself." — Anonymous

The Weight of Constant Scrutiny

Leadership, for most of my life, was a matter of duty. For decades, whether in the military or the private sector, I have led thousands through uncertainty, crisis, and environments where hesitation was the difference between success and failure. I understood what leadership required: decisiveness, humility, trust, and connection. And most of all, I understood its weight.

Leadership means being seen. Those under your command or within your organization watch everything. Not just what you say but what you do. And perhaps most importantly, what you fail to do. The microscope is constant. Every word. Every action. Every hesitation.

I accepted this burden. I wore it like a second skin. I believed that leadership meant sacrifice, that to serve others, I had to eliminate the part of me that needed anything in return. And for years, that belief worked until it didn't. The burden of leadership meant sacrificing personal time with my family, missing important life events, and constantly being on call, ready to respond to any crisis at a moment's notice.

For years, I had no space to look inward. Between leading Soldiers in combat, surviving cancer, multiple surgeries, and the unrelenting pressure of multiple deployments, I never allowed myself time to stop and process what I had been through. And then there were the deeper wounds, the ones that weren't physical. The repeated trauma of a difficult adolescence. The guilt of losing a Soldier to suicide.

All of it had accumulated, pressing down on me in ways I didn't fully recognize.

When Service Becomes Self-Sacrifice

But even then, I told myself: "This is leadership." "This is service." "This is what it means to put others first." I had spent most of my entire life saying "Yes" to others and "No" to myself. Helping others would somehow heal everything I was suppressing. That if I poured myself out completely, there would be nothing left inside of me to deal with.

However, the burden of leadership cannot replace the burden of self-awareness. And at some point, I had to face the truth: Leading others was not my greatest challenge. Leading myself was. This transition was not easy. It meant shifting my focus from the needs of others to my own, and it required a level of self-awareness and introspection that I had never before experienced.

I had always thought of leadership as an outward act, something that required strength, decisiveness, and action, but leading myself? That needed something I had never been trained for.

Leading others meant putting aside my own needs. Leading myself meant finally acknowledging them.

Leading others meant focusing on the mission. Leading myself meant admitting that I no longer knew what the mission was.

Leading others meant making decisions under pressure. Leading myself meant sitting in the discomfort of not having all the answers.

For so long, I relied on structure and external validation through promotions, selections, and achievements. Now, there was no next promotion. No selection board. No Soldiers depending on me. For the first time in my life, I was standing alone, and I had no idea what came next. However, in this uncertainty, I found the opportunity to validate myself, define my success, and lead myself toward a new chapter.

And the silence was deafening.

The Productivity Trap and Growth Mindset Revolution

One of the most challenging aspects of this transition has been breaking free from my relationship with productivity. For so long, I equated being valuable with being useful. If I weren't leading Soldiers, was I still a leader? If I wasn't solving problems, was I still capable? If I weren't serving others, did I still have a purpose?

Without the external demands and expectations, I felt stripped down and exposed. And the most challenging part? Spending even one minute of the day on myself felt selfish. Taking the time to heal, reflect, and rediscover who I was felt like something I hadn't earned. I had no problem dedicating my life to serving others. But the idea of dedicating even a fraction of that effort to serving myself? It felt unnatural until I realized that this mindset was the very thing holding me back.

Recently, I read 'Mindset' by Carol Dweck, in which she discusses the distinction between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. A fixed mindset tells us that who we are is set in stone, that our abilities and intelligence are unchangeable, and that success is measured by what we have already accomplished. A growth mindset, on the other hand, suggests that we are always in progress, that every failure is an opportunity to learn, and that we can continue to evolve if we are willing to put in the necessary work. This concept of a growth mindset is crucial to self-leadership, as it encourages us to view our personal development as a journey rather than a destination.

For most of my life, I operated in both. In the military, I thrived in a growth mindset, continually pushing myself to learn and adapt. But when it came to leading myself, when it came to confronting my pain, my struggles, and my fears, I had been stuck in a fixed mindset for years. I thought I had already become who I was supposed to be. I thought growth was for the Soldiers I led, not for me. I thought I had already reached the summit.

But in reality, I was beginning the climb.

The Mirror Doesn't Lie

Leadership, I have learned, is not just about how well we serve others; it is also about how well we serve ourselves. It is about whether we are willing to do the work on ourselves. For years, I led from a place of strength and sacrifice. Now, I am learning to lead from a place of honesty and vulnerability. I am learning that self-compassion is not a weakness; it is a form of courage. It is a way to understand and care for ourselves in the face of our imperfections. Taking time to heal is not indulgent; it is necessary. Rediscovering who I am outside of what I do is not selfish, it's the only way forward.

Most of us spend our lives looking outward, chasing the next achievement, the following title, the next responsibility. But at some point, we must stop. We must ask ourselves: Who am I when there is nothing left to prove? Because leadership is not just about what we give to others. It is about whether we are willing to give that same grace, that same discipline, that same care to ourselves.

And that is the hardest lesson of all.

The leaders who master self-leadership understand three fundamental truths:

First, external validation is temporary fuel, but self-awareness is renewable energy. No amount of promotions, awards, or recognition can fill the void left by not knowing yourself. But when you develop a clear understanding of your values, purpose, and authentic self, you have a sustainable source of motivation that no external circumstance can take away.

Second, the skills that make you effective at leading others must be intentionally adapted for leading yourself. The strategic thinking, emotional intelligence, and decision-making abilities you use with your team work just as powerfully when applied to your growth, but they require conscious effort and practice.

Third, self-leadership isn't selfish; it's essential. Just as you can't pour from an empty cup, you can't lead others authentically if you haven't done the work to understand and develop yourself. The leaders who skip this step inevitably hit a ceiling in their effectiveness and satisfaction.

So, if you are reading this and feel lost in your journey, if you have spent your life saying yes to everyone but yourself, know this: The most complex leadership challenge is the one staring back at you in the mirror. And the greatest act of courage is not just leading others; it is also being willing to lead oneself. It is learning how to lead yourself.

I'm still learning to lead myself, some days better than others. Yesterday, I caught myself falling into old patterns, measuring my worth by what I accomplished rather than who I'm becoming. But now I notice it. And seeing is where change begins. This journey from leading others to leading myself isn't a destination; it's a daily practice.

Start today. Ask yourself: What would change if I applied the same intentionality to leading myself that I use to lead others? Your answer to that question might be the beginning of your most important mission yet.

What leadership skills have you mastered with others that you could turn inward? How might your effectiveness change if you led yourself with the same care you showed your team?

Next in this series: Part 2 - "The Self-Leadership Assessment: How to Honestly Evaluate Your Internal Command" - Learn the framework for creating psychological safety that allows you to receive the honest feedback essential for self-leadership growth.